I’ve identified eight things every single mom should consider before getting married—probably more, but these stand out from my life experience. Unlike many girls growing up, I didn’t think much about marriage or having children. The idea didn’t cross my mind until my thirties, when I focused on college and building a career.
After graduating with a journalism degree, I worked as a television reporter and traveled the world. That lifestyle made me a little—okay, a lot—commitment-phobic. I didn’t want a boyfriend to block my path to becoming the next Oprah Winfrey. I dated handsome, humorous, and intelligent men. Some of them might have made good husbands; others taught me important life lessons. I felt young and free, unburdened by rigid routines or other people’s expectations. I didn’t regret avoiding marriage, though I carried guilt for having premarital sex.
When I became a mom, I realized I wanted to get married—but not for the right reasons. I wanted to settle down, believing a husband could magically improve my life. I imagined someone who would prevent bounced checks, avoid moving back in with my parents, shovel snow-covered steps, take out the garbage, or carry grocery bags late at night. I wanted someone to pick me up when my car broke down, wipe away tears after child support and custody hearings, rub my feet after a long day, and wait for me after a girls’ night. I longed to feel desired, content, and not alone.
Those expectations didn’t last. After the initial shock of single motherhood, I faced my actions and emotions head-on. I recognized that I didn’t want to marry for temporary, selfish reasons. Deep down, I truly wanted to marry, and I realized that single moms have important steps to take before saying “I do.”
8 Things to do Before Getting Married for Single Moms
1. Determine Why I Want to Get Married
My parents had a very traditional marriage. Dad was the protector and provider. Mom was the nurturer and caregiver. They lived out the vows, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish. They bent over backward to keep a smile on each other’s faces. Their marriage is still going strong 50+ years later! My grandparents had similar stories. On both sides, they celebrated long-lasting unions, and even when times weren’t so great, they remained committed and fought for their families. When I determined why I wanted to get married, I looked at their relationships for inspiration. I wanted that level of love, the kind of love you see in the movies.
One of my favorite movies is Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married? Mostly because my ex-boyfriend and prom date Lamman Rucker was the main character. For the first time in my life, I seriously asked the question–why did I want to get married? And for the first time, I truly knew the answer. It wasn’t for a ring or a wedding. I wanted to love someone like 1 Corinthians 13. You know, that love that’s patient and kind. That love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Funny that I began to understand marriage more when I became a single mom. I received a flood of grace from God. He didn’t shame or condemn me for having pre-martial sex (with my daughter’s dad or anyone for that matter!) He simply loved me, and I wanted to mirror that type of love and experience that close companionship in marriage.
2. Become Spiritually Strong
Drawing closer to God taught me to lean on Him, no matter what happened in life. He is my source, not child support, a job, or even friends and family. His love overflows, so I don’t look to fill a void. Even though I desire marriage, I am quite content being single. Until I meet my husband, I can strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I can turn to the Bible instead of society to determine what marriage means. I also started a meditation practice using the Abide App. Placing God first must be one of the most important things to do before getting married for single moms.
3. Discover My Purpose
A few years ago, I left my job and took a giant leap into entrepreneurship. Becoming a single mother inspired me to start two businesses—a communications and marketing firm and a support group for single mothers. I also built a baby blog that helped pay for my daughter’s daycare. The blog later turned into a money maker, allowing me to work from home. Your purpose may not be connected to your career. Perhaps it involves volunteering, connecting to the community, or discovering your passions.
4. Love Me First
In order to love someone else, I love myself first. Sounds selfish, but in reality, it’s the best wedding gift I can give my husband. He won’t be required to fill a void because I don’t need to be half of a couple to be a complete person. Although I feel insecure from time to time, those times don’t last long. I feel comfortable in my skin, embracing both my curves and my curls. Daily, I remind myself that I am amazing, worthy, and loved—imperfectly perfect in every way. Loving myself means I am less likely to be jealous, desperate or needy in a relationship.
5. Heal From Past Heartbreaks
After my daughter’s dad left, I took a year and a half off from dating. That time allowed me to heal from heartache, learn from mistakes, and move on mentally. I refused to carry anger or envy into a new relationship. By examining my past relationships, I discovered what went wrong, what went right, and the lessons I could take forward. I considered the qualities I want in a partner and identified what I will not tolerate.
Although people don’t usually change, they can improve. Yes, some things are personality traits and habits you’ve developed over the years. But if you examine yourself, there may be negative or even toxic behaviors you can work on. Spend this time filling up your toolbox. Go to therapy. Journal. Reconnect with friends. Get a massage. Take a nature walk. Forgive yourself and your child’s father.
6. Get A Passport. Get Stamps.
When I first became a single mom, I couldn’t afford to travel. That didn’t stop me from taking a vacation from stress or work. I explored botanical gardens, museums, art galleries, and parks throughout my city. Local restaurants offered international cuisines, and cultural festivals brought excitement. I tried belly dancing and cooking classes, and a staycation included swimming with my daughter. Now that she has a passport, we’re saving up to go to Paris to celebrate her 13th birthday. Once I got back on my feet financially, I took her on a cruise and to Disney World–twice! I also took myself on vacation. Each summer, I take a solo trip. Last year, I went to a wellness resort in Arizona, and the year before, I went to Hawaii.
7. Get A Makeover. Get A Headshot.
A makeover always makes me feel good about myself. As a new mom, I neglected self-care. Over the years, I started taking better care of myself. My daughter and I have spa days in the dining room. We set up a relaxation room with candles, books, and pillows. We give each other facials using the masks we pick up on Dollar Tree trips. And we watch YouTube makeup tutorials together. When Single Mom Defined held photo shoots for our art exhibition, we hired a professional makeup artist for the moms. They each received a makeover, headshot and family portrait.
8. Cleaned Up My Credit
As mentioned, my dad was the provider, the breadwinner. My mom was the shopper. She worked but spent more than her paycheck. Growing up, I had unrealistic views of marriage since my dad paid for everything. Although I love when a man picks up the check, I had to take responsibility for my personal finances. I made a plan and paid off my student loans, car and credit cards. It took some time, but I am finally debt-free and have a really good credit score. If I decide to get married, I can enter the union financially free. We can focus on building wealth and leaving a legacy behind for our children.
Hey mamas! Which of these 8 things things to do before getting married for single moms will you add to your to-do list?
