Can you go from heartbreak to forgiveness? No one ever expects heartbreak to be an annoying roommate who doesn’t want to move out. Heartbreak moves in subtly. It moves in with indirect permission. A relationship is started, and puppy love and infatuation hang around until someone says, “I love you .”Guards are let down, and the heart opens up to whatever “love” offers. Then a disagreement, cheating, lying, and even stealing occur, and heartbreak moves in for an undetermined amount of time.
Heartbreak To Forgiveness – My Story
Having My First Daughter
I was attending college my first semester away from home. I had excruciating pain in my left leg. I went to the hospital, found out I was pregnant, and had a blood clot in my left leg. I had to leave college. I was under a doctor’s care and had to remain immobile from 5 months of pregnancy to childbirth. I had much time to think while waiting for my first daughter’s arrival. My main concern was how I would provide for her. My parents allowed me to return to school once I had my daughter and was medically cleared.
Her father was there for short periods but gone for longer. I called to talk to my daughter every day. Instead of going on trips for spring break, I spent my time with my daughter. It was difficult leaving her at times, but I had to finish school. I didn’t have much communication with her father, but they formed a relationship over time. Then, she lost her father in 2018 on my birthday. I was heartbroken for her because her father would be unable to see the woman she’d grown to be or experience life with her any longer.
Having My Second Child – My Son
My son arrived after I graduated from college. His father and I had an up-and-down relationship. He started acting strange after I had my son. He tried to control me. The relationship didn’t work out. Heartbreak showed up again. I called my brother, packed my things, and moved back to Pittsburgh while he was at work. The only communication I received from my son’s father in those next nine years was letters from the court. He would ask for child support reductions or file for primary custody. He never won any of the court filings because he wouldn’t show up to court. He lived on the opposite side of the state.
I was angry. I explained that he would never be able to relive the growing years he missed. I was angry and heartbroken. I couldn’t understand. I was angry that my son wouldn’t have a father and that I would be a single mother raising two children alone. Fast forward a few years, and I don’t remember when I forgave him. It just happened. I had peace when he showed up for my son’s prom years later.
Heartbreak lived with me until I met JB. We were together for 4 ½ years. One night, he was tragically taken from our lives. I went into a depression that had me living like a robot on a repetitive schedule. Work, home, school, church, repeat.
My Second Daughter
I met my youngest daughter’s father while at work. I was still grieving, depressed, and vulnerable. He was loving, understanding, sweet, and a breath of fresh air. Two years after meeting him, we had our daughter. He changed. Depression, sadness, and incarceration were his roommates. Then arguments, excuses, lies, and unfaithfulness showed up.
I had a dream one night about a baby. Within days of the dream, I got a voicemail message from a girl informing me her roommate was pregnant by my daughter’s father. My heart started racing. I confronted him. After a stare-down and advising him that I knew he had something to tell me, he finally admitted to the pregnancy and said he didn’t know how to tell me. Heartbreak came to live with me again. We attempted our relationship, but it failed.
Forgiveness
One day, God told me to forgive him, and I had to do it in person. I cried for three days because I didn’t want to do it, nor did I think he deserved it. God reminded me that He had forgiven me plenty of times. We sat in the park on a bench, and I forgave him. I now know some of my heartbreak could have been prevented if I had paid more attention to God’s instructions, listened, and accepted that he was not the man with whom I could create and maintain a family. He was a vessel I chose, and a beautiful girl entered this world. Heartbreak was a consequence of doing what I wanted to do. My choices weren’t God’s will for my life. Forgiveness made heartbreak move out permanently. But going through the pain of heartbreak helped me to understand myself.
I went from heartbreak to forgiveness so I could receive healing. Healing helped me develop a deeper relationship with God. My relationship with God allowed me to forgive. Forgiveness restored me to my original state. Forgiveness also helped me understand God’s agape love, cleansed my heart, taught me to pray for someone who wronged me, communicate, and allowed me to become the woman God needed. I smile because I’m free, my heart is clean, and the purpose of forgiveness is fully understood.
Read more of the Personal Essay series from single moms.
