Every relationship is different, and every person within the relationship is even more unique. A single mom needs to reflect on this because, let’s face it, you’re not alone–it’s not just about you anymore. When considering the right timing for introducing a new boyfriend to your children, my most honest response is, “It just depends.” Please keep reading for a bit of my story, plus 5 things to consider before introducing your boyfriend to your children.
As a recently divorced mom, I was terrified of returning to the dating scene. I questioned my worth, my self-esteem, and most importantly, I wondered, “Will anyone want to be with me, even though I have kids?” I was responsible for three whole little male humans, after all!
And other people’s opinions on this topic often came up more than I would have liked, which added another layer to the decision-making process.
So when should you introduce your boyfriend to your kids? I have tried to determine the “best” answer, and I’ve landed on some things to consider before bringing that new person into your children’s lives.
5 Things To Consider Before Introducing Your Boyfriend To Your Children
Pause
Take a moment to grieve and process the loss of the life you imagined with your former partner and the little lives you created together. This is your time to inhale your new reality (as f’d up as it might be at the time) and exhale all the pain, disappointment, and brokenness you were left with. Your children are grieving too, so trying to introduce them to your new partner too soon will only increase their levels of distress.
Protect
If you are hurting, your children are too. When considering what’s developmentally appropriate, age will be a factor, but children must also process their feelings. You’ll want to take time to help them through it before the hurt manifests as them acting out at home or in school. How they witness you and their father treat one another can be either helpful or harmful, so protect their psychological best interests before, during, and after your separation.
Communicate
Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, including those with your ex, your children, and your new partner. What you tell your ex is your decision. Just understand that your future relationships impact them as a co-parent and, possibly, as part of a blended family.
You don’t need your children’s approval or permission to date. However, if they are hesitant to meet someone new, then make time to acknowledge and address their feelings, especially if they are older.
If your goal is a healthy relationship, that may lead to something more with your new boo. In that case, your children and your boyfriend deserve your honesty and communication. Open the door to communication on all fronts before you open it to introductions.
Preparing To Introduce Your Boyfriend To Your Children
Prepare your children for meeting your new partner based on their differing developmental and maturity levels. Introducing your 18-year-old will be different than introducing your 6-year-old, who is still trying to understand why you and your ex live in separate homes. Preparing your child/children for meeting this new person in your life is paramount. And depending on their age, you can even include them in planning what that first meeting will be like.
Stay Perceptive
Only some relationships will reach a level of commitment that includes meeting the kids. Deepening my 15+ year friendship with someone was a nice segway into healing and happiness after my divorce. However, I needed more perspective. Just because I knew that person didn’t mean I knew how they would integrate into my family’s life. Someone can be fun and comforting to be around for you, but that doesn’t mean they are a good influence on your child or children.
Dating moms, do you have a list of things you consider before introducing the person you’re dating to your kids? What would you add to this list?
Thoughts on dating a single mom and marriage.
