My sons’ father and I were together for five years, the fifth being the year we got engaged. I planned my wedding and bought my dress. However, three months before we walked down the aisle, I canceled my wedding. My relationship wasn’t working, and it would never be right.
I Canceled My Wedding Because…
Marriage Won’t Fix It
I grew up in a two-parent household and thought my son deserved the same. I was OK sacrificing myself for him and that belief. But after much reflection, I determined that was flawed thinking. My son couldn’t be happy if I were miserable. I couldn’t give him my all if I were carrying other weight. Even though I had my life planned out and knew what to expect, I couldn’t go through with the wedding. Our lives would be forever changed.
Even though I don’t regret it, canceling my wedding was the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life to date. It was difficult because of the embarrassment of explaining to so many people who knew we were headed toward marriage. It was also challenging because of the position the decision would leave me in life. I would become a single mom living on my own, navigating co-parenting with my son’s father. I crafted a way to explain what happened to curious acquaintances, friends, family, and coworkers, making me look like a wise woman. It was an explanation I found myself frequently spitting out, as I mailed out about 100 save the dates by this point in time. I received props for making the tough decision and doing what was in my son’s best interest.
Yet deep inside, I thought to myself: How could splitting up my son’s family be the best decision for him?
How could sentencing myself to the struggle of single parenting be the best decision for me? I pondered these questions over the next six months as my son, and I settled into our new apartment and our new life.
Change is Hard – How I Felt After I Canceled My Wedding
I experienced severe depression, from canceling the wedding to moving into my own apartment with my son. Although I was in my twenties, it was the first time I was the only adult residing under the roof. In college, I had multiple apartments and roommates, and once I had my son, I lived with my parents for a while and then with my son’s dad until we ultimately broke up. Moving to our apartment was an overwhelming experience for my two-year-old son and me. I remember he had endless questions. Sometimes, the questions would come out of nowhere and disrupt an otherwise pleasant or ordinary moment. They were a constant reminder of how significant the change was, making it challenging to forget about it and move on. We would drive past our old place, and he would comment, “I liked that place with Daddy better than our new place.” This was disheartening, but I understood why he would say that. I found an alternate route to travel.
More often than not, during the six months after I canceled my wedding, I would cry after putting my son to sleep at night. I would ask myself: What did I do to deserve this? That question developed into an even more upsetting one: What did my poor, innocent, sweet son do to deserve to be born into such dysfunction? Having to still deal with my sons’ dad only worsened things. It was a tough transition from a couple to co-parents. That is something I will never go through again. That is the main reason I refused to have any more kids, even though I wanted more.
This period in my life caused me to question God. Looking back, that is the most disturbing thing about the situation. It took me refocusing on God as my provider, console, and protector to come out of this dark place. Had I looked to Him in the first place, I may have reduced some of the trauma and drama I experienced.
Moving Forward
Once I trusted God, I was able to move forward. I dedicated myself to attending church, studying the Bible, and seeking God for growth in areas where I needed it most. Trusting God is a lifelong journey that requires intentionality. You never arrive at a final destination. But you progress, grow, and do what you can to ensure God gets the glory from your life. Today, I am in the best place I have been in during my parenting journey. My son is healthy and happy! I am healthy and happy! My priorities are in the proper order. Over time, the relationship between my son’s father and I improved tremendously, although we still experience rocky moments sometimes. And the relationship between my son and his dad is awesome. I learned how not to be affected by it so that I can be my son’s best version of a mommy.
I canceled my wedding, but that decision didn’t cancel me.
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